Wife is in US on K-3 visa. But we want to divorce

[freespace]

Hello everyone, I have some questions.

My wife is in the US on a K-3 visa that was based on marriage to me. Her visa is good until September 2010.

However, we mutually don't want to live together anymore, but we still respect each other. I'm not bitter with her at all. We are not enemies. We remain good friends, so I would like to help her to stay in the US as long as I don't bear any financial burden.

Here are the details of our situation:

- Her K3 visa is still valid until Sep 2010

- We have filed for Adjustment of Status (I-485 green card), and even received an interview date (which is today!), but she and I decided NOT to attend the interview. Therefore, according to the USCIS notice letter, her AOS application will be considered "aborted".

I'm also aware that:

- if I divorce my wife, then her K3 status will be terminated 30 days after the divorce has finalized

- if I write a letter to USCIS requesting to withdraw my I-130 petition (even if approved) for her, then her K3 visa will fall out of status in 30 days.

- if her AOS (I-485) was denied, then her K3 status will also terminates within 30 days after the denial. (But since we did not attend the AOS interview, the AOS application would be considered "aborted", and therefore would not be denied).


Here's my question: Is there a way that I or another person could help my wife stay in the US after she and I divorce each other? I would like to divorce my wife and I actually would like her to remarry someone else in the US if she loves that someone else more than me. (But if I divorce her now, then she'll have 30 days after the divorce is finalized before her K3 visa is terminated.) I suppose that she can remarry within the 30-day period (ie., after divorce has finalize and before her K3 falls out of status)! And furthermore, can the new husband petition for her to stay in the US? or would she still need to go back to her country and have the new husband petition for her just like I did originally?

Yes, I'm in total control here, and that I can make this difficult for my wife if I wanted to. But I'm not like that. I don't hate my wife. I still see her as a good friend, just not as a wife. So I would like to help her find a man she loves as a husband, or at least buy her time. But as long as she is here in the US based on my sponsorship (I-134), then I'm still liable to support her finacially. In reality, she doesn't need my financial help at all, but I still don't want to be constrained by the law to be that responsible person, and that's why the only way for me to be released of my sponsorship is to have my wife go back home to her country or have another person file a new petition for her. And because my wife is here on a K3 visa, it's also difficult for her to petition for other non-immigrant visa, like a work visa or student visa. My wife doesn't have much choices here, but I still would like to help her as best as I could.

As of now, I have not filed for divorce yet, and have not written any letter to USCIS requesting to withdraw my I-130. The only thing we did was not show up on our AOS (I-485 greencard) interview, so now the AOS application will be aborted by USCIS. (I hope USCIS won't deny her AOS!).

Another question:
had we gone through the AOS interview together successfully and she was approved for the conditional greencard, and then we divorce AFTER she got her conditional green card, then would her conditional greencard fall out of status within 30 days too right?? I supposed I could have helped her get her conditional greencard, but I figure what good would that do much if a divorce will force the conditional greencard out of status anyway. And USCIS might even view this as a "sham marriage" and that might later cause extreme difficulty for her future US husband to petition for her too (should she remarry another US husband). So there was no point for us to go through the AOS interview and get her the conditional greencard if we plan to divorce. Am I right in my reasoning here?

I suppose I could file for a legal separation with my wife, and this accomplish two things:

- it would not make my wife's K3 visa fall out of status (until the visa expires of course).
- legal separation would end all our marital shared earnings and debts, so none would be financially liable able to the other. (However, legal separation does not end my liability for her as a sponsor though (form I-134).

(All this sounds weird huh? sounds like I'm going out of my way to help a person I'm wanting to divorce huh? I suppose if I really wanted to help her then I would stay with her long enough for her to her permant greencard and then divorce. But that's too long for me to wait and be financially liable for, and out of my comfort zone. Bet all of you are telling me to just move on and forget about her already!).

But please advise what I can do to help my wife remain in the US permanently while still wanting to divorce her. I don't think there isn't much choice, but I'm wondering what you guys might know that i have missed.

(Maybe best advice is to seek family counselor and try to make the love work and stay with her because I seem to still love her??! Can it be? This is another topic though.)

[angela_ann2002]

Hi Freespace! I think you got a big problem... reading your message... sounds that you still love your wife.... why not try to resolve what ever differences you have.... why not deal with your marital problem first rather than the immigration issues....marriage counselling perphaps???
Goodluck!

[freespace]

We've talked about this a lot, although not as much as I would like to see. I feel that the main problem with my wife is that she has not matured enough to realize what it takes to hold a marraige together. She is not 100% marriage-ready, and ready to commit to a marriage. What she likes is to "let her be" herself, and when she is ready, she'll commit. I told her that I cannot accept that after what I have done for her to bring her to the US. I cannot live on her loose emotional schedule and state of marriage readiness (or lack of). I don't want to get into a stage a few years down the road where we have kids and share major marital asset and then we divorce. So I'm kind of wanting to resolve this now. I guess you can said I've waited until the 11th hour to back out of an otherwise perfectly smooth immigration process. We can still call the USCIS to reschedule the AOS interview (saying that we had an emergency and missed the first one).

But you're right, I need (and should have) resolve the marital issues first. But I don't think what more I can do to speed up her maturity though! Maturity is not something a person can just acquire overnight!

Here's my thinking....

Maybe I should give this thing more time, buy more time, by calling USCIS to reschedule for another AOS interview so that she can at least get her Conditional Greencard... while she and I try to work on our relationship during the period of allowable by the Conditional greencard. I can still file for a California legal separation (so that neither of us bear any marital financial liability toward the another), and the legal separation won't affect her conditional greencard status (divorce affects conditional greencard, but not legal separation).

What do you guys think? Let me hear your opinions, whether immigration opinions, or marital opinions! I like to hear them all.

(I truly don't understand my wife sometimes. What must I do to get her to see that I care and love her? I've helped my wife out in so many ways that none of friends, including whatever ex-boyfriends, have even come close. I'm not an ugly looking guy. I'm not a bum, I have a stable career and financial sheet. I'm not some old hermit. I mean I think most women in the US would say I'm "husband material". Yet my wife says that she feels that I don't "love" her enough, and that's why she's having a hard time loving me back. I have a hard time comprehending her answer,.. because i'm thinking if I don't love someone, I sure as hell would not invest so much time and financial resources in bringing them here to live with me! This is common sense right thinking. I mean is she waiting for prince charming here? I personally think she's not ready for marriage, and I should have waited! But like i said, despite of what is happening to me, to her, I chuck it up as a part of life, and not something to brew hate on.)

[Russell]

I do not think you can get out of the financial responsibility that easy. The affidavit of support that I signed for my fiancees VISA says that I am responsible for her for 40 quarters (10 years).

I think the only way to get out of that is to send her out of the country.


I think this is the exact reason why the fiancee that come here on the K-1 VISA get conditional green cards for two years instead of going straight to a regular green card. To help insure that they genuinely want to be married and stay married.

Some women are just not happy in marriage. My mother has been divorced 5 times and is only staying with her current husband for his health insurance.

[nichole]

You signed the Affidavit of Support and are responsible while she is in this country whether she is divorced from you or not or if she's shacked up with another dude. You signed for better or worse. I believe you may be able to withdraw the Affidavit and she will be ousted.

She can't change husbands and continue where she is in the process. He starts over. Find a new love in 30 days?? How ridiculous does that sound?? Find a new sucker maybe.

If you wanted to help her remain in the US, you should have gone to the interview and gotten her conditional GC pretending to be the happily married couple. In two years she could self-petition for her permanent green card as a divorcee on the basis that she entered into a marriage with good faith and honest intentions but it didn't work out.

You sound like a really nice guy who is naive. You are probably being used by someone from a poor country to gain admission to the US. By "not loving her enough" does she mean you don't buy her enough? Did she think the US was going to be streets paved in gold and now she finds out she's stuck with a normal working bloke who gets along but is not lavishly wealthy?

She's never going to love you or be the wife you deserve. Don't try to work it out because you will always be the one hopping like a trained dog for her approval. You are emotionally and monetarily invested in this person, but looking from the outside I think you should cut your losses and bail out now. She needs to go home before she breaks your heart and pocketbook further.

[Woodger]

You sound like a really nice guy who is naive. You are probably being used by someone from a poor country to gain admission to the US. By "not loving her enough" does she mean you don't buy her enough? Did she think the US was going to be streets paved in gold and now she finds out she's stuck with a normal working bloke who gets along but is not lavishly wealthy?

She's never going to love you or be the wife you deserve. Don't try to work it out because you will always be the one hopping like a trained dog for her approval. You are emotionally and monetarily invested in this person, but looking from the outside I think you should cut your losses and bail out now. She needs to go home before she breaks your heart and pocketbook further.

I second this notion... life throws all sorts of things our way, its how we deal with these things without compromising what makes us 'us' that makes life worth living.

[freespace]

Thanks for the wake-up call Nichole!

You're right, I am naive. I guess I was just being optimistic and wanted this to work out because I'm emotionally and financially vested. The finance part is not the most difficult part. It's the emotion part that I'm drained off right now.

Lately for the past 5 months, she has been living with her relatives in the US, and although I do come there to live with her (and her relatives too), I feel that I cannot continue on with this. I even told her that I would be willing to find another job near her relatives so that she can be close to her relatives... but I would only do this if I see this relationship going somewhere further. After I suggested this, she seemed indifferent about it (when she should be ecstatic, right!). I just don't get it anymore. I think I have done everything to "show my love" (even preparing to quit an almost 6 figure job in this economy to relocate for her). And no I'm not cheap towards her. I helped her family back home a lot with money. When she got to the US, I took her to get some nice clothes and hand bags at the mall. So I don't think it's the money part that's she not loving me. And besides, throughout our whole relationship (before we even got married), I have never felt that she was in it for the money.

I just think this girl is not marriage stuff yet. Hell, heck, she likes to post her profile on ******** and Yahoo like one of those teens you see blogging. She even has some freakin' online boyfriend too! I asked her why is she doing this? Is marriage nothing to her? Her reply was simply "She does it because those online guys can make her feel love that she can't feel from me." The answer was so offbase that I didn't know she was joking or not!

I would like to give her more time. If she was from the US to begin with, then I probably would have give her more time. But because she's from another country, I can't play this waiting game.

Man, this is the first girl that I felt in love enough to actually marry her and this is how life treats me. Sucks to be me. I even gave up my motorcycling riding and sold the bike too because I wanted to be a dad (doesn't look like it's gonna happen now). It's not fair!!! There are lots of bum and wife-beaters out there who don't even have to do a thing to make their women stay with them. And here I am, doing everything a husband should do and yet I'm not doing enough. That's life huh.


@Russell,

you are right, as a sponsor, I'm responsible for her for 10 years or until she can work fulltime for a certain period. I understand this. However, a legal separation would end all our marital (not sponsorship) financial liability. That was my point of a legal separation.

You guys know what, before I posted this, I just called my wife and asked her to move back home with me. I haven't talked with her in a few weeks and wanted to see what she would say. We talked, she asked me how was everything at work, how my family is doing... but at the end, she said she likes to stay at her relatives' place to continue her bible schooling. Yup.. it's a nice way of telling me she doesn't want to come home to me.

I think you guys are right, maybe it's time I close this chapter.


I think I file for legal separation. Then wait a few months and submit the Summary Dissolution of Marriage (for divorce). I plan it so that by the time I turn in the divorce papers and the papers are finalized, then her Visa will have expired, and she can leave the US then.

I guess if I was vindictive about the whole situation, I would:

a) file for divorce now
b) write a letter to USCIS withdrawing my I-130 petition
c) ask USCIS to relieve me of all sponsorship responsiblity because she has moved out of the house (due to our estrange relationship, now pending a divorce)

then USCIS will decide on the case, and if USCIS approves my withdrawal, her K3 visa fall out of status within 30 days of the USCIS decision.


@ Nichole, I wanted to help her, but only if it doesn't involve me taking on too much financial responsibility. Like you said, she can be shacking up with some guy and I'll still be responsible for her as a sponsor.


Wow, what a messy love. I still miss her though. Right now I'm seeing another person (who's younger and prettier than my wife) but I at night I still dream about hugging and cuddling with the wife, not with the younger & prettier girl. Weird huh?! But during the day, sitting at work, when I'm contemplating... I see a totally different reality with me and my wife. Like the proverb, "everything is just a dream".

[txh1b]

I think someone is taking you down an emotional roller coaster all the while the main intention was to immigrate to the US and use you as the road to that. Get your wits back on and try to see the truth behind the intentions.

Say you want a divorce and will make her go back and see what the reaction is. All this not being ready for marriage, emotionally immature is crap. The biggest and greatest excuse that will be used is depression. Don't get lost in this emotional blackmail.

Good Luck!

[nichole]

I feel sorry for you because it's difficult to get through the emotional part. I do understand and I can't believe I'm sounding so harsh to you. But understand....IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. There is nothing you can do to make another person love you. There has got to be the chemistry going both ways. When you are lucky enough to find that person who is crazy about you, you will see the difference. Women make up bullsh1t excuses all the time...you don't love me enough...BS!

Don't believe it. You probably married somebody you hardly knew who said wonderful things to you online to get to the USA where relatives were waiting. It's hard to be lonely and a sweet talker will cloud your judgement, but you were used. The longer you hold on to this, the longer it will be to re-start your life. This is not a dress rehearsal. IT'S YOUR LIFE so get on with it.

There is no reason to be nice to her and try to help her. Be civil and kind, but get on with a divorce and contacting the USCIS. And when you do, please don't fall for more sudden sweet talk a second time and take her back.

"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

[txh1b]

Don't even think of quitting your job and moving to the place of her relatives. You will be in some serious trouble. The sooner you understand that you have been taken advantage of, the better it will be for you. Don't even go to the extent of helping the person stay /get a GC here. It could possibly have negative consequences on you in the future. What if you like someone the next time and want to sponsor her? USCIS will launch a serious investigation on the pattern and could even charge you with something that you will end up spending thousands defending yourself.

Get yourself out of this emotional mess and start your life again. You seem to have a nice job and decent mannerisms. You will find someone worthy of it and your love. Don't get into this trap. If the marriage is suggesting trouble in the early days, it will only increase exponentially in terms of emotional and financial loss in the future. Stay away from it.

[freespace]

a little shocking news just came in today from USCIS

Well guys, today, a USCIS agent just called me and asked to speak with my wife because of the missed interview appointment! Guess what? The USCIS rep said that because my wife missed the appointment, her application is now considered DENIED! That's right, the rep said it's now denied, meaning that if nothing is done (ie, if she doesn't try to appeal), then USCIS will start the process of deporting her. The appeal process is not cheap, it'll cost over $500 (I forget the exact amount told to me by the Uscis rep) to submit an appeal paper; however, the fee can be waived if there's a valid certifiable reason for missing the interview (like getting into a car accident with a police report to prove it).

I had thought that if we didn't go to the interview, then the application would be considered "aborted" and not "denied". (that's what it stated on the USCIS intervew letter). But apparently, the USCIS rep told me that her AOS application is now stamped as denied! The rep said that once an application has been stamped as "denied", it can't be aborted. So even if my wife wrote a letter in requesting to cancel the application, USCIS won't cancel it (because it's status is now denied). The rep said that in order to cancel the application, my wife must first shows a valid reason to miss her interview. Then if USCSI finds the reason valid, then they will grant her another interview, and it is only at this time that she can ask her application to be cancelled. And if the applicaiton is cancelled, then she can stay in the US using her K3 Visa. But if her application status is denied, then her K3 Visa will drop out of status and USCIS will start the deportation process.

I guess USCIS procedures make it that married couples either have to seriously commit all the way with the AOS process, or if not, then USCIS will just deny the case. USCIS doesn't want to see "half-assed" committment by the couple, and have the iffy-iffy foreign spouse "hang around" the US for a couple years for a vacation huh? In a way, USCIS procedures do make sense.

I have not told my wife about this yet (because she is not with me but with her relative right now). I wonder how she'll react to this news though. The irony in all of this is that it was my wife who wanted me to submit the I-485 paperwork! I initially told her that we should wait to make sure she was fully prepared to live in the US under this marriage, but she was not happy about it and said she wanted me to start the AOS process for her. Had we did not start the AOS process, she could have still stay in the US based on her K3 visa. But it appears all that is about to change quickly for her now. This is something I didn't wish on her, and caught me by surprised. But, it was going to happen eventually anyway.

I'll keep you guys posted on what happens next and what we decide to do, so that hopefully my experience might help someone out there in there future.


@ Nichole,
We knew each other for 2 years before marrying. And during those 2 years, I did travel to her country twice to spend time with her and her family over there. But apparently that was not enough time either. And you were partially right about how I met my wife. I met her through her friend who as the person I met online. But I did spend 2 years before deciding to marry her. I don't know what to think anymore.

@txh1b,
yeah I guess it's hard for me to see the true intentions in all of this. An outsider like you probably can see it better.

I guess my question is, if this person is trying to trick me and used me, why didn't she do a better job??? I mean should she at least pretend to love me even one little bit? You guys are not going to believe what I'm about to say here, but since she has come to the US, we've never intimated yet! Sure we slept together in the same bed, but never actually intimated, because she didn't want to. Guess I'm just another fool!

[Woodger]

I would cut her off totally mate

Get her out of sight and she will be out of mind...

From what you've said it sounds like a clever ploy to gain status in the US,

The truth will hurt like a bitch, but don't end up resenting yourself for spending money on her...

She sounds like a real bitch

Online boyfriends showing her love, I would be straight out of there...

Let the truth be your guiding light and not your dark cave...

[txh1b]

Missed appointments are not considered aborted. They are denied. They are considered abandoned which will result in a denial. There is nothing like an aborted I485.

[francksgirl]

You poor guy.........wow..........she's a piece of work!!!!!

she will have her day though!!! Before she gets deported, you need to be divorced from her right!?! What if you never see her again after deportation has happened. You will find true happiness one day!! Took me 38 years, and I always thought I NEVER would find that perfect guy and gave up until one day, I opened my eyes.......and he was right beside me!!! You too willl have that, but not with the wife you have now!!!!!!

[Duders]

Divorce her. Let her get deported. She doesn't sound like she wants to be with you, anyway. You deserve so much more than that.